


I'll Never Love Again

by the_only_education_worth_having



Series: Advent Calendar of Fics [10]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: CPR, Crying, Death, Death of a loved one, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief, Heartbreak, Love, canon character death, dying, fuck preston burke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:41:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27955589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_education_worth_having/pseuds/the_only_education_worth_having
Summary: Don't let another day begin, Won't let the sunlight in, Oh, I'll never love again
Relationships: Denny Duquette/Original Female Character, Denny Duquette/You
Series: Advent Calendar of Fics [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042707
Kudos: 2





	I'll Never Love Again

**Author's Note:**

> I'll Never Love Again - Lady Gaga

The queue for the coffee cart was longer than I had expected and I was stuck behind a doctor I didn’t recognise who couldn’t choose between the blueberry or the chocolate muffins. He spent over five minutes to and froing over which to buy before eventually settling on a croissant. I sighed. After his arduous journey finished and he finally got what he wanted he walked away leaving me in front of the queue. I ordered two coffees, one for myself and one for Denny, and a couple of bagels. I walked slowly back to the surgical floor, not wanting to spill any of the coffee down the sides of the cardboard cups. 

Seattle Grace Hospital was a vast maze of corridors and it always took me a minute to gather my bearings and figure out where I was going from the elevator. I made it to the floor in less than five minutes but I was shocked to find it was not how I had left it. The floor that had been alive with only the normal hustle and bustle was now in chaos as doctors and nurses swarmed from everywhere. I was stopped at the door by a nurse, ‘you can’t come in I’m afraid.’ 

‘What’s going on?’ I asked even though I had been in hospital enough to know that energy like this was never a good sign. ‘We’re amidst an emergency,’ she said to me and the crowd that was growing, ‘we’re asking all relatives to just wait here for a moment.’

There was murmuring around me but I paid no attention to the other worried relatives as I peered over the nurse’s shoulder and saw all the commotion was around the room I was supposed to be going into. My blood ran cold. 

‘Denny,’ I whispered worriedly though I was sure only I could hear. I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t notice as the tray of coffees slipped out of my hands and clattered all across the vinyl floor. I looked down and noted the patch of my jeans which was now damp with coffee but I could barely focus on the warmth that came with it. As the nurse sighed and dove down to start cleaning up I made a dart for the room not paying attention at her protests as I did. I got there and stood in the doorway. There were doctors and nurses all around the room talking rapidly to one another as they stood over Denny who was laying on the bed lifeless. He had a nurse pumping rapidly on his chest trying to revive him whilst Dr Burke intubated him. 

My heart sank. 

He was fine. He had been fine when I left for coffee and now he was being poked and prodded left, right and centre. I didn’t understand how he could be laughing and joking with me all morning and now he was on death's door.

‘Okay were intubated. How many cycles are we on now?’ Burke asked from the head of the bed as he gestured for an intern, I think was called O’Malley, to take over with the mask. ‘3rd one Dr Burke,’ said the nurse who was pouring with sweat as she pumped furiously on Denny’s chest. ‘10 minutes down,’ someone else chimed in. ‘Any pulse?’ Burke said and there was a response of ‘no’ from somewhere. ‘Denny,’ I said walking forward into the room as the conversations turned to idle chatter in my ears. ‘Ma’am, you can’t be in here,’ O’Malley chimed as he spotted me.

‘Y/N,’ Burke said manoeuvring through the chaos in few steps before he reached me and clasped me by the shoulders which stopped me in my tracks though I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the bed where Denny lay. ‘Denny-‘ ‘We’re working on Denny. You shouldn’t be in here, you shouldn’t be seeing this,’ Burke said. ‘I’m not leaving him,’ I said. ‘Well, you must stay out of the way,’ Burke said as he turned back to talk to the staff working tirelessly. I stood by the door watching helplessly as they pumped on his chest trying to will his heart to work. 

‘C’mon Denny, you can do this, c’mon,’ I mumbled, crossing my fingers as I will Denny’s body to respond. I didn’t know how this could happen. E had been ill for so long and I had been with him every step of the way but the past couple of weeks finally seemed to be a turning point. He was on the home stretch. He had a new heart and was stronger than ever and now. I couldn’t bear to think of it. I had tuned the chatter of the care workers out until I heard someone say, ‘he’s been down too long.’

‘We’re gonna have to call it,’ someone else said in doctor Burke's ear. At that point I leapt into action and sprung forward, darting through all the staff until I was by the head of the bed and able to whisper in his ear.

‘Y/N!’ Dr Burke said but I tuned him out as I leant down and spoke only to Denny, praying he could hear me, ‘baby. It’s me. Denny I know it’s hard but you’ve gotta fight this okay. I’m here and I need you okay. I need you.’

I could feel tears pouring down my face as I spoke. His angelic face was distorted through my tears but I could feel the warmth of his cheek underneath my hand. He was still warm. Still here. 

‘I love you so much. We’ve come so far,’ I said. ‘He’s been down for almost half an hour,’ I heard O’Malley shout from my side. ‘You’ve done it. You just need to fight a little more,’ I said. ‘No shockable rhythm still,’ came another voice. ‘Have we pushed more adrenaline?’ Burke asked as he received a response of ‘yes’ from various people. ‘Just a little more,’ I said, ‘come on Denny. I love you-’ ‘Time of death 10:02 am.’

My heart broke. Tears came fast and furiously from my eyes as I fell forward and held Denny as much as I could. I felt a sympathetic hand on my shoulder trying to offer comfort but I couldn’t find the energy to look up to see who it was. I sat there and cried as they worked around me, removing lines and tubes from Denny. I couldn’t accept it. He was still warm under my touch. He still smelled like him. He couldn’t be gone. 

One by one the voices faded until I finally looked up and realised I was alone with Denny. As I realised this I stood up and climbed onto the bed next to him. I wrapped his limp arms around me as I hugged him and sobbed into his shoulder which made the gown he had been enshrouded on damp. I don’t know how long I lay there. I didn’t want to move. I just lay next to him and cried. He grew colder with each passing minute and the normally flush complexion was now ashen and pallid. His eyes were closed and even though I long for him to look at me I knew I didn’t really want that as his eyes which were normally fully of cheekiness and merriment would now be dull and lifeless. 

I lay there as millions of questions rattled around my brain. 

Why had I gone for coffee? I didn’t need to, they had coffee for patients regularly and the nurses always gave me a cup if I wanted. I could’ve waited. 

Was he on his own?

When his heart stopped beating, was someone with him or was he scared and unsure what was happening?

Did it hurt?

Was he in pain when it happened? 

Had he been in pain all morning but didn’t want to scare me?

‘Y/N,’ came a voice from the doorway. I looked up to find Dr Bailey watching me with sad eyes and a sympathetic smile. I said nothing as she walked into the room and perched on the other side of the bed. ‘Y/N,’ she said again but I still didn’t respond. I couldn’t. My voice was stuck in my throat and every time I tried to talk I felt a new flood of tears spill over, ‘I know this is hard but I’m afraid we’ve got to move him soon.’ ‘To the morgue right?’ I said with a crack in my voice. She nodded, ‘this is the only time I have left with him and you’re telling me I’ve just got to let him go.’ ‘I know it’s hard-’ ‘No, you don’t! You don’t know anything. He was your patient. He wasn’t your husband!’ ‘I know,’ she said in a small voice, ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Not as sorry as I am,’ I said, ‘he’s the love of my life. I’ve stuck by him through everything. Through all of his illness. Through every surgery Through the transplant. We’ve had mood swings and breakups. This was supposed to be the rest of our life. And now..’ ‘It’s not fair. I know that,’ Bailey replied, ‘it's never going to be fair. Honestly, it’s going to be rubbish. It’s going to be a hard slog. You’re going to feel terrible. You’re going to want to scream at the world, at the doctors, at God. I know that. But you’ve gotta be strong here Y/N. You’ve gotta let him go.’ ‘I don’t want to let him go,’ I whimpered, ‘I don’t want to pick myself up and dust myself off. I don’t want to scream at people. I just want to lay here with him. I want him to hug me and stroke my hair. I want him to kiss me and tell me everything’s okay. So don’t make me move. Don’t make me leave him because I’m not ready.’ ‘You’re never going to be,’ Bailey said, ‘but you’re gonna have to make the leap sometime.’

She patted the bed and walked out of the room leaving me and Denny alone once more. After a couple of deep breaths I sighed and clambered up off of the bed. I let my hand stroke down his face. His face was cold and stubbly underneath my hand. He’d complained about needing a shave yesterday but I had told him to leave it, I liked him with a bit of stubble though he hated it. 

‘You always did try and make me happy,’ I chuckled remembering the bickering we’d done all day about it, ‘I love you. So much.’

And after that I leant down and kissed him tenderly on his lips. Tears rolled down my face and splashed against his cheeks. I walked out, heartbroken. 

I don't wanna know this feelin' Unless it's you and me I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me I would rather wait for you, ooh

Don't wanna feel another touch Don't wanna start another fire Don't wanna know another kiss Baby, unless they are your lips


End file.
